lost forever

i just want to rant.

i collated my computer files (documents, music, pictures), made copies of them on cds and usbs, and deleted them from the laptop 2 weeks ago. i do this twice a year since i'm o.c. like that. i thought everything went smoothly. but as i was setting up my pic posts here, i realized that i had a folder of my cam whore pics missing. it was from a recent office outing and i had a very nice selca pic. i was at the balcony of our hotel room and was able to capture this:

imagine me at the lower left hand corner of the photo with this as the background. aish! i wasn't able to retrieve it anymore as it had no back up copy anywhere else and that the laptop's recycle bin was emptied recently. *sobs* anyway, be careful everyone! memories can be gone with just a simple click...

titanic

i've actually learned of monet from titanic. one of his paintings was shown as a part of rose dewitt bukater (kate winslet)'s family's art collection. they brought it aboard and she showed jack dawson (leo dicaprio) the painting as a segue into asking him to sketch her.

i'm not such a hard-core art studies fan that i know the ins and outs of it. i just appreciate art very much. and on paintings, one of the movements that i am fond of is impressionism. the short, "broken" strokes, particularly in monet's works, appeal to me as they evoke more emotion than the "reality" of the scene.

this is my favorite claude monet painting. it's the "le jardin de monet, les iris" (irises in monet's garden), 1900 and it's at the musee d'orsay in paris. i love the colors in it and it gives off a cheery feel. :D

last 10 updates

last leg of these update reposts. i actually chucked doing anything about the list when 2009 came. when i look back at this i only say tsk! to myself...

next up, #s 21-30

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21. reconnecting - talked to tina, will text ruffy and sol, looking forward to shs batch reunion (2 mos. in), aiming to contact pat, topher, pao, rheena, sol, shs and psych people (4 mos. in), ym with sol, messaging in multiply with different friends, hung out with hs kada, lex, bfi pips & college kada (2 1/2 mos. after my bday)

22. another racket/business - no tutorials for summer, planning on bringing ilocos longganisa and bagnet (from batac) to manila (2 mos. in), fixing my tutorial sked, itching to go to ilocos to get the business started (4 mos. in), minimal tutoring, parked the ilocos longganisa business to study it further (2 1/2 mos. after my bday)

23. meeting friends of friends - there have been opportunities but only a few so far (2 mos. in), status quo (4 mos. in), rare occasions, have speed dating plans (2 1/2 mos. after my bday)

24. pampering treatments - not yet stabilized (financial constraints) (2 mos. in), plan to visit this month (4 mos. in), onto my next round (2 1/2 mos. after my bday)

25. ld manual - di pa (2 mos. in), have started (4 mos. in), module 2 (2 1/2 mos. after my bday)

26. donate blood - this too (2 mos. in), by june 14 at ever gotesco commonwealth (red cross for san lazaro hospital aids patients) (4 mos. in), when i get really well from coughs (2 1/2 mos. after my bday)

27. communicate deeper with God - reverted to rosary and singing along when the ld cd is on. currently in desolation (2 mos. in), have been distracted so much this summer (4 mos. in), resorted to listening to songs in the meantime (added a lot of them in my mp4) (2 1/2 mos. after my bday)

28. go ice-skating - nope. anybody interested to join me? (2 mos. in), with tina too (together with the imax plan) (4 mos. in), 2009 (2 1/2 mos. after my bday)

29. ld faci pool - super ok! (2 mos. in), anticipating the next ld weekend for this (4 mos. in), shared in ld 74 but skipped faci-ing in ld75 (2 1/2 mos. after my bday)

30. writing thoughts on paper / blogging - started with blogging, struggling with my gratitude journal (2 mos. in), no pen-to-paper contact yet (4 mos. in), have been more frequent for q4 (2 1/2 mos. after my bday)

next 10 updates

continuation of my hodge-podge reposts. i'm also doing this since i want to be reminded of my progress, or regression, on them - an actual example of the process of achieving one's goals.

here's #s 11-20

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11. read books - just fixed them over the holy week, sort of inventory (2 mos. in), finished "surreality" by carissa villacorta. will start with anne rice's witch chronicles (4 mos. in), status quo (2 1/2 mos. after my bday)

12. financial stuff - an officemate invited me to be involved but haven't had free nights to match their sked (2 mos. in), had attended a public 'symposium' and a private consultation but no follow up meetings yet (inertia from my end) (4 mos. in), bought a manulife freedom 20+ (sort of pension plan) (2 1/2 mos. after my bday)

13. diamond peel/teeth whitening - inquired but teeth whitening is expensive so might opt for diamond peel (2 mos. in), diamond peel plans with pie, teeth whitening plans with ate rica (4 mos. in), still plans... (2 1/2 mos. after my bday)

14. family vacation - davao, summer sked (2 mos. in), still as suggestions (4 mos. in), none yet. busy skeds (2 1/2 mos. after my bday)

15. korean language - learned the korean characters and some basic phrases, can read and write but still wary about the exceptions to the rule. mind you, can read, but can't understand pa (2 mos. in), need to review on the phrases and how to decode faster. "aigoo!" (hay naku!) (4 mos. in), starting to study via youtube. hihi (2 1/2 mos. after my bday)

16. retreat - by july (2 mos. in), ld alumni retreat slated for july, might consider rcw at cefam (4 mos. in), enneagram this jan 9-11, on fire on valentine's (2 1/2 mos. after my bday)

17. executive check-up - nada... (2 mos. in), to schedule by 3rd week of june if possible (4 mos. in), no funding yet, but much needed... (2 1/2 mos. after my bday)

18. mama's facilitating projects - she's enjoying being a stay-at-home mom at the moment (2 mos. in), might replace this with helping out in sped association symposia (4 mos. in), *changed to sped group involvement* haven't contacted ADHD society yet (2 1/2 mos. after my bday)

19. baga - 1st meeting after the holy week is on apr 2 (2 mos. in), next one is on june 18 (4 mos. in), realized it's not my cup of tea. no alternative yet (2 1/2 mos. after my bday)

20. amazing philippine theater - not inquired yet (2 mos. in), can't seem to find contact details. might check out "the library" in lieu of this (4 mos. in), club mwah plans in 2009 (2 1/2 mos. after my bday)

first 10 updates

i'm mixing up the next 3 reposts since they are all updates of my 30/30 list. the originals were posted in multiply last mar 28, jun 9, and dec 16 of 2008.

first up, #s 1-10.

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1. scrapbooking - found a clear book, fixed digital pix, no actual scrapbooking action yet (2 mos. in), scouting for materials and scheduling when to do it (4 mos. in), done with 2007, will finish 2008 this xmas break (2 1/2 mos. after my bday)

2. savings quota - fallen further behind :'( (2 mos. in), have accepted the fact that it'll be touched to address most of my needs (4 mos. in), onto 50% (2 1/2 mos. after my bday)

3. long hair - awkward stage, planning to have it relaxed (2 mos. in), chin-length and curly in the wrong places :( (4 mos. in), shoulder-length and curly in the right places :D (2 1/2 mos. after my bday)

4. out of town/cultural - tagaytay c/o ld (2 mos. in), bataan c/o pie, lucban c/o ld, laiya c/o hs kada (4 mos. in), batac c/o isaguirre's, tagaytay c/o ld, boracay c/o hs kada (2 1/2 mos. after my bday)

5. driving - no interest yet to read driving books (2 mos. in), my bro's sked is free!!! i feel discussions are better than reading books for this (4 mos. in), nada (2 1/2 mos. after my bday)

6. basa - haven't contacted fel about this yet (2 mos. in), might consider rags2riches instead since i can't accommodate basa's weekday skeds... (4 mos. in), *changed to volunteer work* helped out in one of He cares' feeding programs, giving financial aide to the church in the meantime (2 1/2 mos. after my bday)

7. exercise - huhuhu!!! haven't made time since illness and holidays (2 mos. in), doing the stepper and aiming for 1-hour 4x a week on it (4 mos. in), badminton every thursday with officemates, stepper on other days (except this dec) (2 1/2 mos. after my bday)

8. ddi fsw - not the 1st step daw in faci-ing process, or different path that they see me in. besides, busy project-assisting for korean market (2 mos. in), dropped this already. will find an alternative (career goal) (4 mos. in), opportunity knocked again; will do it in jan!!! (2 1/2 mos. after my bday)

9. wardrobe - so far, got 2 dresses, 2 pairs of shoes, 2 tops and a mini skirt ;D (2 mos. in), got hand-me-down blouses, planning to replenish my unmentionables (4 mos. in), bought shoes, bras, and some tops (2 1/2 mos. after my bday)

10. imax - not yet! (2 mos. in), with tina this june (4 mos. in), actual 3d watching in 2009 with tina (2 1/2 mos. after my bday)

30 things to do before i hit 30

a repost from multiply. the original was posted there last feb 5, 2008.

my audacious list 8 months before i turned 30. as they say, you have to dream big to achieve lots. the achieve-lots part is the harder part...

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i've actually mentioned this in my friendster shoutout. also, they say that for things to happen, you have to write them down so that you'll always see them and commit to fulfill them. so here goes...

1. i love scrapbooking, when i have time. so, update my hard copy photo album
2. complete my savings account quota. i've fallen a little behind on this
3. grow my hair long, but not yet sure if straight and black or curly and colored
4. go out of town or do some cultural thing quarterly
5. learn to drive
6. be active in basa, a group focused on reading workshops
7. exercise regularly (currently, this is done at home with exercise machines)
8. attend a ddi facilitation skills workshop
9. shop for key pieces to complete my wardrobe
10. watch an imax movie at mall of asia
11. read books in my possession that i haven't opened yet
12. enter into financial stuff, like mutual funds or something
13. try a diamond peel or teeth whitening. at least, it's not a tattoo or a piercing
14. family vacation in davao or palawan
15. learn basic korean (conversational and hangul or writing)
16. attend another retreat
17. undergo an executive check-up
18. join mama in her facilitating projects to hone my facilitating skills
19. regularly meet ld people for baga sessions. they're kamustahan venues
20. watch something from the amazing philippine theater
21. reconnect with friends from school or work (especially the ones i've "lost" along the way)
22. augment my income with another racket / business
23. be more open to meeting friends of friends
24. stabilize my monthly pampering treatments (whether spa or salon)
25. re-read the ld manual from my time. do examen
26. donate blood
27. communicate deeper with God
28. go ice-skating
29. be active in the ld faci pool
30. go back to writing thoughts on paper / blogging

bathroom break

this was taken tail end of 2008 at sonia's garden, tagaytay. this is still from a phone camera but a newer one (but not my current one either).

i actually took this in their ladies' room. i was attending a friend's wedding there and went during a bathroom break. i was surprised at how quaint the ladies' room looked. i mostly attribute it to the capiz / mother-of-pearl windows and doors. i wanted to take a picture of the capiz but felt weird about it. so i took a selca (korean term for a cam whoring picture; short for "self camera").

this shows the beauty of the background and my cam whoring skills ;P

pleasant surprise

during my growing years, i would spend a lot of time reading. sometimes mandatory, as instructed by my dad for my home-made summer "classes", while other times leisurely. i'd be (actually i still am) surrounded by encyclopedias, filipino-culture stories, bible storybooks, biographies, classic literary stories, other topic-specific books and fairytales. but i'm most fond of the books from adarna house that we have.

adarna house is the largest publisher of filipino children's books. it's been around for 30 years and has a vast collection of topics one can choose from. they have certain sets for pre-school or elementary education (from different shapes and colors to an introduction to filipino presidents). they also have contemporary and classic filipino stories.

my mom bought a handful of adarna books when i was young and added more when my brother and sister came along. i would go to them for information that i needed for homework during my school days. and even when i was working as a teacher, i found them very helpful when story-telling time came or when i needed pictures or activities (some books had an activity or two at the end - like mazes, puzzles or matching). some of the original adarna books that we had growing up are actually still with me. i love the simplicity of the words on some of them, and the floweriness on others. i also love the illustrations that go with them.

it was a pleasant surprise when i met an actual author of one - my previous officemate, nikki dy-liacco. she wrote "the yellow paperclip with bright purple spots". this had cute illustrations by may ann licudine. it talked about a unique paperclip going to places and experiencing a lot of things. dare i say, i was actually reminded of it when i saw the travelling gnome in "amelie", which i've only seen last 2009 - a year after i read the book. i found it a good read and was very happy for nikki that it got the 2005 pbby salanga grand prize. and like a true fan, i had my copy autographed by her. hahaha!  but it was cute that she greeted me in korean (a topic we get to talk a lot about) and it was so sweet of her to write that i was just as unique and colorful as the yellow paperclip . it is one of my most treasured books in my collection. :D

sunrays

another vga-format picture. this was taken last oct 2008 at boracay, philippines.

my friends and i went there for a vacation. the weather was good and we were able to do a lot of beachy things. this was the sunset scene after our paraw ride. we were loitering along the beach when i saw this magnificent sight. i waited for one of the boats to pass by so that the sails would contrast the rays of the setting sun.

i like taking pictures of sunsets and of the sea, but this trumps all of them :D

body art

i've gotten my second ear piercing on my right ear only last year. to some, it came too late. for others, it came as a surprise that i would even consider getting one. i like additional ear piercings. i think of them as additional hooks to where you hang great paintings. it's understandable since i love earrings, especially the dangling ones. piercings on other parts of the body are a different matter. since most of them are using studs, i don't see the beauty in having them on me. but if i'm mistaken, i would appreciate you guys enlightening me on it. :) and take note, i haven't talked about other "benefits" those might have. i'm totally basing this on aesthetics.

another body art thing that i am fascinated with are tattoos. fortunately or unfortunately, i don't have any on me. i actually haven't thought of getting one since it's more complicated compared to ear piercings. sanitary and medical concerns, my pain threshold, where and when to get it, what design i want and should it be colored or just monotone, where in my body should i place it and how big should it be... *dizzy* but i still find them lovely when i watch tv or movies featuring people who have them or when i personally see some people who have them.

there's a certain enigma given off when tattoos are shown in media. this discounts the documentaries or reality shows about them since they're so in-your-face. tattoos shown in tv advertisements as an added conversation piece, the suicide girls on the csi: ny "oedipus hex" episode, ncis' abby sciuto's tattoos, the tattoos in "wanted", "red dragon", "bound", "gothika" - get my drift? i'm also at awe on how people pick their tattoos - what their back stories are. a great example of this is angelina jolie. i love the fact that she has a series of tattoos on her left forearm that have the coordinates of the adoption countries or birthplaces of her 6 children. how neat is that?

to satisfy my urge to have one on me, i've resorted to stick-on or henna tattoos in the past. there were kiddie ones, like tweety bird, and tribal ones, like mandalas or crawling vine-type of design (epic fail here). but my favorite henna tattoo was one of a pixie on my back on my left scapula area. it was so cute! and it left a negative image when the henna wore off - i had a white pixie against my tanned skin.

i think i'll stick to those for a little while longer...

in bloom

this was taken early last year with a point-and-shoot camera. if i'm not mistaken, this was in vga format.

what do you do while waiting for your order of peanut brittle and ube halaya? why take pictures, of course! :D there was a long line in getting our pasalubong from good shepherd in baguio. so i was roaming around and found this cute patch of flowers. i even surprised myself when it came out nicely. an added bonus was, when i downloaded it to the computer, it looked like a stock photo. those are photos you can use as sample desktop backgrounds, among others. *imaginary pat on the back for myself* it really felt great!

save the earth

i have an attachment to scratch paper. if you look at our school supplies cabinet here at home, there are loose sheets from as far off as my college days. i've saved them as scratch paper since the back pages of the leaves can still be used as such. computerized drafts of current reports or hard copies of random downloaded stuff are printed with the whole sheets. i would also tear the sheets into quarters and staple them to make my own memo pad.

i've also carried this in the workplace. numerous pads are lying around on my desk and i don't think they will go away. for one, the rate of printing drafts is faster. secondly, when i use scratch, or any other time for that matter, i write small. an officemate teases me about it since she's so carefree in writing and is not conscious of her usage. she jokes that i'm o.c. and even calls out to others to "marvel" at my being type a about it. but i don't mind coz i admit that i am.

i think i've formed the habit of paper reusing at an early age. during high school, i'd save notebook covers, springs and clean sheets so i can reassemble them as decent notebooks for the next school year. i'd also do away with wrapping the covers of notebooks or school books with cutesy gift wrapping paper that had the popular cartoon characters then. what i'd use were magazine pages that i'd torn off from old magazines. they were either landscapes, or graphic designs (features from articles) or chic ads of popular brands (guess, nina ricci, fendi).

i would also recycle planners as task notebooks (the upgrade of your elementary reminders notebook. hehehe). there was even a planner that i recycled as my planner for the next year. i just changed the days the dates fall on. markers and gel pens do the trick. :D

i think what i should have written was "i have an attachment to paper reusing". i think of it as my very small way of saving the planet.

boat trip

this is a grainy photo too (it's from the same jurassic phone camera) and is also a few years old.

this is the breakwater as you dock in samal island, davao. when i alighted, i liked the way this area looked. the contrast of the red beams against the blue water and the way the wind blew onto the "flags" gave me a sense of serenity and warm welcome. i just had to pause and capture it amidst the bustle of getting off the boat and lugging our vacation bags. :D

tape of choice

i grew up an angsty teen, though most of my friends might not have known this side of me. i actually thought no one knew of this since i showed it in the comfort and privacy of my room. but as i was sharing this thought to my brother, he reminded me otherwise. he knows this side of me well. then it dawned on me, "oh yeah! it was our room, not just mine..."

my poems are a good testament to my angst and emo-ness (if this is even a word). but another great indicator was my collection of cassette tapes (yes, i was already alive during those times. haha!). i would pick a cassette tape to play while doing my homework, or while fixing the room, or while writing my poems. i was more into ballads and love songs then, from mariah carey and the corrs to great artists of old, like patti austin and the carpenters. but i had a particular cassette tape when i wanted to get my angst out - alanis morissette's jagged little pill.

if i remember correctly, it was my first cassette tape purchase. i saved up enough money from my allowance, scrimping on lunch money, just so i could get this as soon as possible. i loved all the songs!!! even the ones that were not released or were a little ?!? to me (mary jane). i would unfold the cassette cover to marvel at the pictures or artwork a number times. it eventually got dirty since i would always have it out so i can memorize the lyrics to all the songs. i would play the tape non-stop, put it on a volume where the neighborhood noise gets drowned out, and sing to my heart's content.

i was so ecstatic when i learned that she would have a concert at the big dome. i pleaded to my parents to lend me money so i could buy a ticket. i went with college friends, light stick and binoculars in tow and had a blast! i even saved the clipping of the news article of her concert here and placed it on my scrapbook/photo album as an additional souvenir.

i loved that album so much that i got the acoustic version when it was released to commemorate its tenth anniversary. i lol-ed at "ironic"'s alternative lyrics - beautiful husband. full of win!!!

court with a view

captured by my phone camera (and that model is jurassic now) a couple of years ago. technically, this is not a good shot as it is grainy. but whatever.

i was awed by the fact that this was on a stopover for long trips going up north to ilocos norte, philippines. the highway was carved from the mountain and the place where the basketball court was situated was on the other side of the road. all i could think of was, "one wrong step and you'll be jumping off the cliff". dundundun!

i found it a nice landscape to photograph though :D

idle time

i've been having difficulty blogging these past few days. aside from suffering from my eye allergy *sob*, i've been having a weird case of writer's block. topics have been in and out of my head and i've been drafting for like forever on some of them, but i can't seem to get my groove on fast enough to finish them.

also, i've gotten stuck with my "shoulds" again. since i've been doing fresh posts and reposts alternately, i was stumped when i realized that my repost material is thinning (plus the fact that most were emo and i don't want to go that route yet). another issue was that i wanted to post daily and with my backlog, the total now is 10 posts. but i was insistent on both. so what to do? imagine getting stuck just because of alternate posts... aish! pabo! (korean for idiot)

so yesterday at the office, while waiting for my mom to finish her meeting with some people i work with (we work in the same industry), i drew up a list of my upcoming posts. i wrote a very big "randomness" on the sheet of paper i had, and once again, it worked!

firstly, to satisfy my o.c.-ness for alternate posts, i finally committed to the idea of making picture posts. some friends i've talked to have encouraged me to make some in this blog. also, i was inspired by another friend who posted great pictures he took with only point-and-shoot cameras.  i agree with his idea that you don't necessarily need a dslr to produce amazing pictures. if you have a good eye or a nice concept, having only low-tech equipment should not hinder you from taking a shot. so you'll see some of mine in here in a while and i'll add others in the future, whether mine or of others. right now, i thought of tumblr and had a funny thought of just reblogging cute pictures from wherever, but i digress.

the "randomness" reminder also made me chuckle a bit since the ideas that kept flowing were indeed just that. some of them came from looking at things on my desk or cubicle (paper clip or writing on scratch paper). others were from a ripple effect of those ideas (sheets of paper to doodling to tattoos). looks like i'm on a roll and tonight will fly by so fast XD

about me

a repost. original entry was from multiply posted last oct. 21, 2007.

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1. I played a neighborhood kid in the kiddie show "Kalye Sesame" (It was later renamed "Batibot").
2. My supastah wannabe occupation is a plus-size model. I also have my stand-up comedienne routines ready.
3. I have moments when I obsess on sharpening pencils or crayons. I even like it if I can sharpen both ends until they touch (think diamond-shaped pill).
4. My other irrational preoccupation is watching how the wax of a lighted candle melts...and meddling with it if it doesn't melt evenly.
5. I got my fascination for the French language from my mom and got interested in Greek Mythology because of my dad.
6. Unfortunately, I do not like having pets. Animal visitors are ok.
7. I am not fond of powders, hankies, watches and hats. What I am fond of are bottles of nail polish and dangling earrings.
8. Jack of all trades, master of none (due to taking up a lot of summer lessons when I was a kid).
9. I love looking at sketches but can't make one myself. Included in my list of other visual arts that I like: paintings, sculptures, architecture, interior design, fashion design, photography
10. I used to sell romantic greeting cards to classmates. Entrepreneurial, huh?
11. Teaching is my passion, but it does not necessarily have to be in a classroom. But I still love to be with kids, even the special ones.
12. Barbie was my best friend when I couldn't go out to play because of my asthma. My playmates and I even had story lines.
13. I don't know how to play any musical instrument. The farthest I got was plucking "Black Bird" and tapping the keys for "Chopsticks".
14. "Carebears" was my favorite cartoon show. There was also "Rainbow Brite" and "The Smurfs".
15. I absolutely love Snickers bars. Or any chocolate bar (or piece) with any kind of nut, for that matter.
16. Ballroom dancing is something I am proud I can do. Just don't dip or lift me. Hehehe!
17. I used to think I was adopted since I did not look like my mom. It wasn't in my consciousness then that I must've gotten my features from my dad's side.
18. My relationship with my siblings may not be perfect, but it's great. We laugh, we tease, we joke, we bicker, we tickle...
19. I liked my experiences in school, generally. Contrary to popular belief, it wasn't all goody-two-shoes and square.
20. Gardening is not my thing. Plastic foliage suits me.
21. I was drawn to anything occult or paranormal before because of my family history. No, we're no witches. More of psychics or mediums.
22. Famous people I like are the late Pope John Paul II, Tina Fey, Mike Myers, Oprah, Al Pacino, Ellen deGeneres, Conan O'Brien and the late Princess Diana.
23. I used to write poems as an outlet. I have to make time for computerization, pronto!
24. Syringes and laboratory tests don't make me squeamish at all. I even look when the needle goes in.
25. I've done almost everything to my hair, except make cornrows of / braid it and shave it all off.
26. I have a lot of creative ideas when I photograph. It pains me when I am the one photographed and it doesn't look nice.
27. Swings, laughing babies, sunsets, visiting museums, joyrides, and blowing bubbles make me smile.

making a list... checking it twice

a friend of mine once wrote that i liked making lists. it was a question on a survey on how you'd describe your friends using one-liners. i laughed when i saw her answer on that rotating email within our clique. but i wondered if i was so obvious that of all the things, that was the one she picked.

i didn't take it as a bad thing though. come think of it, i am fond of making lists. they're not just the usual to-do lists, or the things-i-want-to-buy or places-i-wanna-go-to type of lists. topics that i was able to think of were varied.

there was a time when i made a birthday list of all the people i know. the calendar was not within my reach so i jotted down the dates on my planner, then filled them up with corresponding names. yes, i was bored and had so much time on my hands that time. tsk!

i also have an unfinished list of songs that represents my 31 years of existence (ok, i'll give you permission to steal this idea. tee-hee!). i picked songs that were important for me that year since it represented how that year had gone, or was the song i loved to sing the most at that time, probably because of an emotional attachment to it. but i can't seem to fill it up. i initially planned that for my 30th birthday but a different list came up.

that particular list was like a bucket list. i blogged about it on multiply so i came up with a title for it - "30 things to do before i hit 30" (you can steal this too ;P). i updated it a lot with how i've been progressing, or regressing for that matter. a lot of people like the idea too; i'm not just so sure if they made lists of their own. since it was posted there, i'll repost it here eventually, but with latest updates or comments on each item.

it's an unusual form of literary outlet, but i like how it supports my wittiness. lists are supposed to be rigid but they make me come up with fun comments at times. as facebook says, "like"!

one more chance

this is a repost from multiply. the original was posted last nov. 25, 2007.

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nyahaha! a couple of ld pips and i watched "one more chance" last night. i was in an 'emo' mode (emotional, for those who don't know) after that. i searched for my poem notebook way back when and found this fitting poem.

1995, i was 17 then.

please, paubaya nyo na sakin 'to. hehehe

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I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU

i thought my life would stay the same
even if you made me cry
i promised not to shed a tear
when you fin'lly said goodbye

i tried to avoid the feeling of pain
that you left in my broken heart
i wanted my life to be whole again
even if i'm torn apart

i wished for my world to be happy once more
although i know it can not be
i hoped that i can face life with a smile
after this painful tragedy

i feel this pain in my heart until now
for i hoped that our parting wasn't true
coz i now realize deep in my heart
that i'm still in love with you

literary genius

i miss writing poems. i was prolific during high school and college. they were really a form of release for me since i did not do the journaling thing. most of the topics they covered were love - falling in and out of love, getting delusional since one is in love, bitching out on betrayal and rejection, and hoping for the best after getting hurt.

i did messy drafts then rewrote them on my poem notebook. somewhere along the way, friends borrowed it and connected with my poems. the notebook got passed around among classmates. some of the girls (i went to a catholic, all-girls high school) even requested that i make a poem for them. since i could relate to how they were feeling for their special someone (or i knew their stories well), i was able to make ones that they felt were tailor-made for them.

since they were outlets for me, my writing was driven by my emotions. i could not create a poem on a certain topic when asked, even if my life depended on it. i remember when i was asked to represent my class in a poem-writing contest to write about saint lorenzo ruiz, i was grasping at straws. good thing it wasn't returned to me with a grade, much like a writing assignment, or i would've died. i wouldn't have known how to act when classmates asked to see how i did. i knew it wasn't a good poem.

don't get me wrong; i just don't feel comfortable with a topic imposed on me and a deadline to finish it. when i get to think about a certain topic and i want to express my views, i am able to churn up such poems. cherished friendships, abortion, self-belief, the dog-eat-dog world of business (this was when i was already working), the world at peace, and teenage confusion are some of them.

i used to stick to rhyming verses. they were cute, yes, but i realized when i got older that free verse is closer to what i really felt about things. i wasn't racking my brain on what rhymed with "love". also, i had concepts - like featuring famous couples and hoping our love is like theirs, or using the senses to describe the pain of love leaving. but when i let go of them, writing my poems made unburdening my mind easier.

i miss writing poems... and the restless emotions inside of me that make me feel as if my heart is about to burst.

love in any language

repost from multiply. original entry was posted last dec. 20, 2008.
---

SONETO XVII

No te amo como si fueras rosa de sal, topacio
o flecha de claveles que propagan el fuego:
te amo como se aman ciertas cosas oscuras,
secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma.

Te amo como la planta que no florece y lleva
dentro de sí, escondida, la luz de aquellas flores,
y gracias a tu amor vive oscuro en mi cuerpo
el apretado aroma que ascendió de la tierra.

Te amo sin saber cómo, ni cuándo, ni de dónde,
te amo directamente sin problemas ni orgullo:
así te amo porque no sé amar de otra manera,

sino así de este modo en que no soy ni eres,
tan cerca que tu mano sobre mi pecho es mía,
tan cerca que se cierran tus ojos con mi sueño.


SONNET XVII

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

---

Every planner that I use has this poem on its last page.

I discovered it during college from an orgmate who was also into poetry.

This is Pablo Neruda’s.

This is my favorite poem.

like a baby

it seems like june was brimming with firsts in my life, much like when a baby has hers. i honestly never took notice of it before. there may have been months wherein more firsts had happened. it's just that now, it has piqued my interest enough for it to be blogged about. it's probably because it's varied and they're close to my heart.

i started my month with my first trip out of the country, not with family, but with a friend. it was a rollercoaster ride since our itinerary would change upto the last minute. we met a lot of friends and i visited family there. i had to be a middleman of pasalubong and chuckled when i realized that only half of my luggage was my stuff. it felt great to be a bearer of good news. :) first time to walk and walk and walk in search of our destinations; first time to pay cab fare with plastic; first time to enter an ikea store *drools*. but the highlight was my first time at universal studios singapore. i absolutely love theme parks! if only a person could live in one, i would. i immensely enjoyed the "return of the mummy" and "jurassic park" rides. again, again!

then, i went to my first kpop concert with my sister. it was sooo fun; we were squealing fangirls!!! and yes, it was u-kiss's "1st kiss concert: live in manila". i delegated the camera-holding to her since i did it a few months ago when we went to their mall tour. i was resolute on absorbing the whole concert experience without distractions, and i did :D first time to hold a lightstick and wave it in sync with the crowd; first time to see myself at a random photo of a concert; first time to be "featured" in a showbiz news clip (it was more of my forehead and a waving lightstick since the girl in front of me was waving her fan board. lol). because of this, i also had my first internet friend (they are now a bunch *hugs*). we enjoy discussing freely about the fandom - fan accounts, pictures, post comments, videos, fan fiction, and i'm happy that our discussions have branched out to include our personal lives. yey to new-found friends!

my latest first is my full bangs. i rarely had bangs in the past since my face is heart-shaped and i was made to believe that bangs are unflattering on me. whenever i had them, they were side-swept bangs and came down to my ears. of late, i've been curious asto what i'd look like with fringes. so i cut it myself last sunday out of boredom. my dad said i look like abby sciuto of ncis. many people tell me, teasingly or admiringly, that i look korean. my sister just asked, "why?!?" i quite like it since it makes me look young~er. nyahaha! but wth!!! when i put on my glasses (i do at work), i effing look like pre-make-over betty la fea. huhuhu! :'( whatever, i've decided to love my bangs. ^3^

shoulds

a repost. the original was posted on multiply last apr. 2, 2008.

---

it took me a while before i had a follow up blog since early feb. that was not even a "legitimate" blog as it was only an update. the culprit to that, and even to my commenting that my latest was not "legitimate", is my "shoulds" syndrome.

- a blog entry SHOULD be of an original topic and not an update on a previous one.
- a blog entry SHOULD not be senseless (which is relative) nor short (just a paragraph).
- a blog entry SHOULD be in English (since this is a global site).
- a blog entry SHOULD not be self-incriminating.
- a blog entry SHOULD be made when i am in the mood so that it turns out witty.
- a blog entry SHOULD not be negative (sad or angry).

i even panicked when i realized that march was ending and i didn't have a march entry.

SHEESH! @%#*!

imagine it being applied to my life. no wonder i've stunted my growth (no pun intended). :D

- i SHOULD be a teacher, a SpEd one at that. (that's what i wanted and haven't been open to other fields. worse, i've boxed myself up in that role)
- i SHOULD help out at home financially. (not imposed and i meant well, but didn't know that i needed to have personal savings and insurance, at the very least)
- i SHOULD find/wait for the right man. (dating to me was playing games so i didn't do it, didn't entertain guys who didn't fit the mold)
- i SHOULD have my own opinion on things and not be easily swayed by others (have turned out to be non-conformist, anti-hype, and overly stubborn at times)
- i SHOULD accommodate friends in need at all times (i have had difficulty asking for help since i have my hands full or i feel i'm being selfish - duh???)
- i SHOULD speak, act, dress, eat, exercise, pray a certain way (shoulds on practically everything)

it's tiring (precious neurons are used for worrying and over-analyzing). it's restrictive (though most are self-imposed). it's sickening (wtf? digging your own emotional grave?). BUT it's comfortable (old habits die hard). DANG! X^o

they say change is inevitable. but if you're used to something, even if it's bad, you'd dread change. that's what's happening to me. i need to drag myself to get out of my comfort zone. i vacillate since it's always easy to revert to my old self.

it's a daily struggle to take out the shoulds.

- i'm opening myself up to other career/business options.
- i'm fixing my savings and already have insurance. i'm even planning on augmenting my income.
- i'm widening my social network and enjoying their company and do not go on overdrive in finding mr. right.
- i'm trying to be more welcoming of others' opinions, especially if they're about me or how i live my life.
- i can already say no to requests. i muster enough courage to ask for help.
- i'm more spontaneous and true to myself.

i'm not listening to my this-entry-SHOULD-end-witty self, so here goes...

:D

---

as this entry said, i vacillate and unfortunately, i still do until now...

letting my randomness out

i've actually had a lot of attempts at blogging. i tried one at friendster (which, by the way, is deleted now). i also had one at multiply. it was better there since i had interaction with some of my friends on some of my entries. alas, it's (the multiply account) on its deathbed now. the farthest i've gone on facebook are notes and they don't actually count as blogs. i also have an older one here. i created it august of last year but unfortunately, my first post was made last april. i updated with another one 2 weeks after that but i haven't posted since.  i'm doing this now in lieu of that one.


since i do not have the foundation of journaling, i'm not as consistent at posting as i'd want to be. i did have diaries before, even the cutesy ones with various cartoon characters. i also had the ones with locks so that no one could pry on my thoughts for the day, my raves about my crush, or my childish rants about my 'rents and sibs. but i always ended up reading over them after i've stopped writing for about half a year. it pained me when i shredded the pages and threw them away, but i felt weird about only having 6 months of a year recorded, and with seemingly senseless, loose-ended entries at that.


also, i'm a control freak. admittedly, i've been hindering myself from posting stuff because of certain rules i made for myself. so i failed miserably at keeping a blog. (side note: i'll be reposting some of my old blogs here because they need a new abode. one of them is about this topic)


but i've recently learned the secret to my blogging success - being random!!! that's what i do with my posts in the forum that i'm a member of (shameless advertising - rocketboxx.net); and i must say that i am quite enjoying my interaction with a lot of people there. a word of caution though: it's k-pop (or korean pop)-related. it's about the korean boy band u-kiss, who i love dearly like nephews or cousins. they're a great bunch. check them out! check out the forum as well! i've made friends there who blog too and they've shared that randomness is the way to go. now knowing myself, i believe that this is for me too.


so, let the chaos ensue! hwaiting!!! (that's a korean cheer  - and this is another post altogether) :D