shoulds

a repost. the original was posted on multiply last apr. 2, 2008.

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it took me a while before i had a follow up blog since early feb. that was not even a "legitimate" blog as it was only an update. the culprit to that, and even to my commenting that my latest was not "legitimate", is my "shoulds" syndrome.

- a blog entry SHOULD be of an original topic and not an update on a previous one.
- a blog entry SHOULD not be senseless (which is relative) nor short (just a paragraph).
- a blog entry SHOULD be in English (since this is a global site).
- a blog entry SHOULD not be self-incriminating.
- a blog entry SHOULD be made when i am in the mood so that it turns out witty.
- a blog entry SHOULD not be negative (sad or angry).

i even panicked when i realized that march was ending and i didn't have a march entry.

SHEESH! @%#*!

imagine it being applied to my life. no wonder i've stunted my growth (no pun intended). :D

- i SHOULD be a teacher, a SpEd one at that. (that's what i wanted and haven't been open to other fields. worse, i've boxed myself up in that role)
- i SHOULD help out at home financially. (not imposed and i meant well, but didn't know that i needed to have personal savings and insurance, at the very least)
- i SHOULD find/wait for the right man. (dating to me was playing games so i didn't do it, didn't entertain guys who didn't fit the mold)
- i SHOULD have my own opinion on things and not be easily swayed by others (have turned out to be non-conformist, anti-hype, and overly stubborn at times)
- i SHOULD accommodate friends in need at all times (i have had difficulty asking for help since i have my hands full or i feel i'm being selfish - duh???)
- i SHOULD speak, act, dress, eat, exercise, pray a certain way (shoulds on practically everything)

it's tiring (precious neurons are used for worrying and over-analyzing). it's restrictive (though most are self-imposed). it's sickening (wtf? digging your own emotional grave?). BUT it's comfortable (old habits die hard). DANG! X^o

they say change is inevitable. but if you're used to something, even if it's bad, you'd dread change. that's what's happening to me. i need to drag myself to get out of my comfort zone. i vacillate since it's always easy to revert to my old self.

it's a daily struggle to take out the shoulds.

- i'm opening myself up to other career/business options.
- i'm fixing my savings and already have insurance. i'm even planning on augmenting my income.
- i'm widening my social network and enjoying their company and do not go on overdrive in finding mr. right.
- i'm trying to be more welcoming of others' opinions, especially if they're about me or how i live my life.
- i can already say no to requests. i muster enough courage to ask for help.
- i'm more spontaneous and true to myself.

i'm not listening to my this-entry-SHOULD-end-witty self, so here goes...

:D

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as this entry said, i vacillate and unfortunately, i still do until now...