shoulds

a repost. the original was posted on multiply last apr. 2, 2008.

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it took me a while before i had a follow up blog since early feb. that was not even a "legitimate" blog as it was only an update. the culprit to that, and even to my commenting that my latest was not "legitimate", is my "shoulds" syndrome.

- a blog entry SHOULD be of an original topic and not an update on a previous one.
- a blog entry SHOULD not be senseless (which is relative) nor short (just a paragraph).
- a blog entry SHOULD be in English (since this is a global site).
- a blog entry SHOULD not be self-incriminating.
- a blog entry SHOULD be made when i am in the mood so that it turns out witty.
- a blog entry SHOULD not be negative (sad or angry).

i even panicked when i realized that march was ending and i didn't have a march entry.

SHEESH! @%#*!

imagine it being applied to my life. no wonder i've stunted my growth (no pun intended). :D

- i SHOULD be a teacher, a SpEd one at that. (that's what i wanted and haven't been open to other fields. worse, i've boxed myself up in that role)
- i SHOULD help out at home financially. (not imposed and i meant well, but didn't know that i needed to have personal savings and insurance, at the very least)
- i SHOULD find/wait for the right man. (dating to me was playing games so i didn't do it, didn't entertain guys who didn't fit the mold)
- i SHOULD have my own opinion on things and not be easily swayed by others (have turned out to be non-conformist, anti-hype, and overly stubborn at times)
- i SHOULD accommodate friends in need at all times (i have had difficulty asking for help since i have my hands full or i feel i'm being selfish - duh???)
- i SHOULD speak, act, dress, eat, exercise, pray a certain way (shoulds on practically everything)

it's tiring (precious neurons are used for worrying and over-analyzing). it's restrictive (though most are self-imposed). it's sickening (wtf? digging your own emotional grave?). BUT it's comfortable (old habits die hard). DANG! X^o

they say change is inevitable. but if you're used to something, even if it's bad, you'd dread change. that's what's happening to me. i need to drag myself to get out of my comfort zone. i vacillate since it's always easy to revert to my old self.

it's a daily struggle to take out the shoulds.

- i'm opening myself up to other career/business options.
- i'm fixing my savings and already have insurance. i'm even planning on augmenting my income.
- i'm widening my social network and enjoying their company and do not go on overdrive in finding mr. right.
- i'm trying to be more welcoming of others' opinions, especially if they're about me or how i live my life.
- i can already say no to requests. i muster enough courage to ask for help.
- i'm more spontaneous and true to myself.

i'm not listening to my this-entry-SHOULD-end-witty self, so here goes...

:D

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as this entry said, i vacillate and unfortunately, i still do until now...

letting my randomness out

i've actually had a lot of attempts at blogging. i tried one at friendster (which, by the way, is deleted now). i also had one at multiply. it was better there since i had interaction with some of my friends on some of my entries. alas, it's (the multiply account) on its deathbed now. the farthest i've gone on facebook are notes and they don't actually count as blogs. i also have an older one here. i created it august of last year but unfortunately, my first post was made last april. i updated with another one 2 weeks after that but i haven't posted since.  i'm doing this now in lieu of that one.


since i do not have the foundation of journaling, i'm not as consistent at posting as i'd want to be. i did have diaries before, even the cutesy ones with various cartoon characters. i also had the ones with locks so that no one could pry on my thoughts for the day, my raves about my crush, or my childish rants about my 'rents and sibs. but i always ended up reading over them after i've stopped writing for about half a year. it pained me when i shredded the pages and threw them away, but i felt weird about only having 6 months of a year recorded, and with seemingly senseless, loose-ended entries at that.


also, i'm a control freak. admittedly, i've been hindering myself from posting stuff because of certain rules i made for myself. so i failed miserably at keeping a blog. (side note: i'll be reposting some of my old blogs here because they need a new abode. one of them is about this topic)


but i've recently learned the secret to my blogging success - being random!!! that's what i do with my posts in the forum that i'm a member of (shameless advertising - rocketboxx.net); and i must say that i am quite enjoying my interaction with a lot of people there. a word of caution though: it's k-pop (or korean pop)-related. it's about the korean boy band u-kiss, who i love dearly like nephews or cousins. they're a great bunch. check them out! check out the forum as well! i've made friends there who blog too and they've shared that randomness is the way to go. now knowing myself, i believe that this is for me too.


so, let the chaos ensue! hwaiting!!! (that's a korean cheer  - and this is another post altogether) :D